In the last 30 days, Amazon has released more than 300 books on children’s discipline.
Discipline is hard, and, in the moment, we often struggle with our emotions as much as we struggle with our children’s. We are told time and again to achieve “emotion regulation” — to take our emotions out of the process.
Easier said than done.
In 2023, Amber Wardell, mom and Doctor of Psychology, posted an article titled, “Disciplining My Children Is So Much Harder Than I Thought it Would Be.”
In it she admits, “I just wasn’t prepared for how emotionally dissonant it would be to give my children consequences for bad behavior. I love them. I never want to say no to them; never want to take away something that makes them happy. It physically hurts me to do things that bring them sadness, even when those consequences are the result of their own choices.”
Fathers struggle, too. We know anecdotally that fathers have a history of enforcing rules with unnecessary force, and now data suggests fathers today struggle to enforce rules at all.
One 2015 study from the Australian Institute of Family Studies, based on a survey of nearly 8,000 parents, found that “[t]he burden of discipline now often falls to mothers.”
As difficult as discipline is, God’s Word encourages us as we press on.
He assures us our efforts are well worth the while for us and for our children. God assures us we will see fruit. “[N]o chastening for the present seems to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness ….” (Hebrews 12:11).
God reminds us that discipline is gain for parents. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” “[A] child left to himself brings his mother to shame.” (Proverbs 29:15).
He tells us discipline is an even greater gain for our children. His Word says discipline will “save them from death” (Proverbs 23:13-14) and “give wisdom” to them (Proverbs 29:15) that their “days may be long.” (Exodus 20:12).
Even more, God’s Word applauds every effort we make to discipline our children from a position of love — your efforts to discipline out of love rather than anger, frustration or fear of public embarrassment please God.
Hebrews 12:6 says, “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastises everyone he accepts as his son.” Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves them is careful to discipline them.”
We all experience moments of irritability or moments of weakness when we want to give in to the tears, though — unregulated emotions. How can we assure ourselves that our discipline comes from a place of love? How can we assure ourselves that the consequence we have chosen is right and good despite their resistance?
Efforts to simply “take my emotions out of” it have not been successful, but putting Jesus at the center of my strategy for discipline has helped.
In a moment of discipline, I ask myself, “Are you trying to make him more like Christ?”
Is my motivation right now to make my child more like Christ? If the answer is anything other than yes, I reassess.
This quick check has convicted me to change tactics when I’ve disciplined out of anger. And often, it has given me strength to stick to a consequence when all I wanted to do was let it go.
Ephesians 6:4 tells us to “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” God instructs us to teach our children God’s Word and Law. (Deuteronomy 6:7). Jesus is the Word (John 1:1), and Jesus is the fulfillment of the law. (Matthew 5:17).
Discipline with Christ in mind. God has peaceable fruit in store for you and your family! It’s coming.
